Why are relationships so difficult?  It seems like such an easy concept but almost impossible to ever have.  I just got done watching the lake house and found myself smiling in a way that no man can make me feel.  It's one of those things where you lose yourself in the story line and feel the emotions as if they were your own.  Everyone wants the Cinderella story so why don't we strive for it?  Why does a guy hold back from sweeping a woman off her feet, holding her as if it was the first time each time he does.  Why do women wait for a guy to sweep them off their feet instead of taking their fairy tale ending in their own hands and sweep him off his.  I can't imagine what it would be like to feel someone look at me like I was the only person in the world... in a way that makes you feel beautiful all over and you forget that anything else matters! 

For those who want to know what true love feels like and should look like, watch the Lake House or A Walk to Remember   If romance and emotions that strong can only be felt in movies, I want to watch them over and over again!  I guess I've never experienced love that makes you have tears just thinking of how lucky you are to have it or bring a smile to your face every time you think back upon the moments in your romance.  Then again, this is reality and things are much more complicated.... why does it have to be?!  If there is one thing I know, I will never settle for anything less than a romance that leaves me feeling as though I can touch the sky... where the only thing I can think of is getting home to my significant other!  When at the end of the day you just can't wait to jump into their arms, hug them and kiss them... a kiss that sends electricity throughout your body and leaves you speechless!!  I may be a dreamer but at least I know I will have a beautiful, true romance... even if it is only in my thoughts, it still feels real  

Yes, I am an Amazing Race nerd.  Not so much a reality TV nut, but definitely Amazing Race obsessed... partly because I love to travel and hunger for competition.  I'm so excited about this new Amazing Race All-Stars season!  I'm really rooting for Dustin and Kandice to win since I think they have awesome team dynamics and are defying the stereotypes bestoyed upon them.  I think they will make it to at least the top four and despite what others may think, I do think they play a fair game.  Sure they may not be as nice to the other teams as people may want them to, but this is a freakin race for a million dollars people!  It's not their fault if someone is stupid enough to give them valuable race information or if they do not want to share information they worked hard to get!  I suppose there are two ways to play the game.  You can either be there to win the million dollars and thrive for the competition (like me!) which means you have to play a skilled game, or you can be there to sight see and make new friends.  Granted it is always awesome to make new friends, but in my opinion, that should not be the focus of the game. 

 

I would like to see Dustin and Kandice go all the way and become the first all-female team to win The Amazing Race, but sadly I think Rob and Amber will win.  Though I definitely don't like them and think they appear to be very arrogant and cocky, they do play a tough game because they know what they want... the million dollars.  Because their drive is so strong, I think they will win this time around.  I'm also getting sick of people whining about them being on this season!  Reality (no pun intended!) is that they are highly entertaining because they cause social dynamics to mix up a bit.  If we were to watch TV where every character was nice to one another, it wouldn't be entertaining anymore.  Face it, every show needs a villian to keep the suspence and fuel emotions... Rob and Amber fit that role perfectly!  Everyone loves to hate them!!

 

This new season of the Amazing Race has really inspired my buddy Brandi and I to apply for the show come the next season.  We are really serious about it too.  We have already talked about what type of training would be most useful for the show, what skills we need to sharpen or aquire and what type of video we need to make in order to stand out.  Personally, I think we have a good chance.  Brandi and I met when we became PR interns for Six Flags and have been glued together ever since, so essentially I guess our relationship would be classified as co-workers/friends.  Our team dynamics are awesome, though we do have our fair share of head-butting since we are both so very competitive and independent.  We work well together though and not competitive against each other.  Brandi is a rare type of cancer survivor who has had 6 different hip surgeries since chemo ate through her hip bones.  She is now left with both of her hips being made entirely of metal and her joints made of porceline.  She can charm anyone with her fun loving attitude... I don't even think she knows what the word stranger means!  Together, I must say, we are quite entertaining and definitely not afraid to make asses out of ourselves.  Actually we like to make asses out of ourselves because it makes others around us laugh and laughter is the most wonderful thing in the world! 

 

So what does everyone think?  Based on the brief overview of the type of team we would be and our background story, do you think we would have a shot at getting on The Amazing Race?  Any suggestions??  Anyone have any opinions as to who they think will win the Amazing Race All-Stars!?  I can't wait to watch the next episode on this Sunday and of course, I'm now addicted to visiting their website at www.cbs.com.  I would love to hear anyone's comments on this topic!  I'm sure I will be writing many more blogs ranting on this topic and following Brandi and mine's progress toward getting the chance to be on the Amazing Race. 

This has been the absolute worst holiday season yet.  People have become so selfish and greedy that holidays aren't even really worth celebrating anymore.  They have lost much of their meaning and are now times some tend to dread.  Take my Thanksgiving for instance... HORRIBLE!!  And the whole crap with PS3 and Nintendo Wii... out of control!  I'm ready to call old traditions quits because of the mockery they have become.

I decided this year that I would not go down to Canon City for Thanksgiving this year no matter what.  Every year we go down there for any holiday, I usually end up being depressed and alone with my mother or my family starts fighting some way and this year I wanted no part in that.  I know it sounds somewhat selfish and may sound like I'm giving into the greed and corruption of holidays today but I really am tired of the tears, pity and miserableness.  I wanted to do something for myself for once. 

I ended up going to Dan's dad's house this year up in Ft. Collins instead of Canon City with my mom and grandma.  Seemed like a good idea at the time but when I got there I was more miserable than I have ever been at any holiday in my entire life.  Here I am spending Thanksgiving with a bunch of wonderful people but they are still strangers.  I'm spending my holiday with strangers!  Abandoning my own family... what kind of person am I?!  As if those feelings weren't enough to make me feel like scum, I just didn't want to be there altogether.  I missed last Thanksgiving when I split the holiday between my family and Curtis'... hell I miss being with Curtis during holidays.  I guess I really love him a lot more than I'm willing to admit.  With all these terrible feelings, I could tell I was being a downer on the festivities and didn't want Dan spending his holiday worrying about me so I left.  I drove back home to Thornton knowing that I would be coming home to an empty house by myself.  I wouldn't be doing the whole turkey dinner this year or being around anyone and I don't care... I made that decision in the first place by being selfish so now I will suffer the consequences.  Sure I've had a random tear here or there but I'll live.  There will be many Thanksgivings for me in the future and perhaps next year I'll appreciate it a little more.

Thanksgiving wasn't much down in Canon City anyways.  My mother called me to tell me things were terrible there and my family was falling apart.  My cousin apparently was being selfish and throwing a fit that her parents weren't giving her any responsibility since they wouldn't let her drive her car out to go early bird shopping tomorrow.  Hell, she's gotten several tickets apparently, raised their insurance and doesn't even pay for it or her gas!  Her parents have every right to tell her she can't when she can't take responsibility for her own actions and at least pay for her own damn raised insurance.  She ended up crying and resulted in making my aunt cry and upsetting a lot of people.  She's nearly 19-years-old and can't even salvage Thanksgiving with her family?!  My aunt told my mother she doesn't know what to do... she is out of control and doesn't care.  I've tried talking to her and I worry about her but she won't listen to my anymore.  The only person she seems to listen to is her boyfriend and that's it.  I don't think he's a very good influence either since he seems to think her being obedient and caring about her family is immaturity.  He holds his age over her head as a threat, a reason, to break up with her.  They are only 3 years apart in age!  I've never even met the guy and they have been dating quite a while... he apparently doesnt care about my cousin having a decent relationship with her family.

My cousin and I always go day-after-Thanksgiving shopping together... it's like a tradition, except for this year.  Usually I am so excited to go but I don't even know if I want to this year.  I don't want to be reminded that the only person I can really rely on is myself.  I don't want to subject myself to a bunch of crazy people who appear to be normal but would almost kill just for a bargain.  Every year people resort to more and more violence, rage and hatred amongst each other all for a damn materialistic object that is marked down.  They are willing to fight and yell for it like spoiled little 6-year-olds.  I don't even think a 6-year-old is that self-centered and selfish!  This whole thing about the damn PS3 and Wii is rediculous!  I heard people were stabbing and shooting each other just to get a damn system.  A system that is probably half of a monthly house payment.  A system that in 6 months probably won't even be played anymore by the receiver.  Soooo sad.  Dan was talking about going out and getting one of them only to sell it on eBay and may a huge profit from some desperate parent dying to get their hands on that system for their child on Christmas.  Apparently the PS3 is going for almost twice its value on there, same with the Wii. I think it's terrible.  It would be nearly like robbing someone, a form of manipulation, similar to the "black market."  What has our society come to?  It's not the end of the world if you don't get a new game system right when it comes out.  There will be plenty more in production in months to come.  Sure you want to make your child's Christmas amazing... but why is there that image that a materialistic object can do that?  An amazing holiday is one with your family where they are not fighting but actually getting together and sharing a meal, playing games together, laughter and just relaxing. 

I'm tired of the holidays already.  I may just boycott the whole Christmas idea and not celebrate it.  Why celebrate something that is just a celebration of greed and selfishness?  My mom is really the only one I have these days and perhaps will be the only one I do anything for during Christmas.  Bah Hum-bug to me.  No wonder there was a Scrooge and a Grinch.  They got tired of all the bullshit that occurs with every holiday.  

I feel so lost.  Sometimes more than others, which this is one of those times.  I believe that you can love more than one person at once and I do.  I love two different guys in two different ways, both special in their own way.  After nearly a three year relationship, I chose to be with the guy I've been drawn to for nearly eight years and end my longest relationship for him.  I don't regret my decision but there are times that I need to reassure myself that I made the right decision. 

I don't know that I'll ever be able to truly be friends with the other guy since my emotions get in the way.  I do want him to be happy but at the same time it sucks thinking he could be happier with someone else.  Makes me remember all the good memories I have with him and I do miss a lot about him and yet don't miss other things at all.  The guy I chose to be with is every bit as wonderful of a person as my ex and I actually connect better with him, but I lack the emotional memories.  I wonder if it's those memories of my ex that is the only thing that really ties me to him.  I want to stop the jealousy and just be 100% happy for him.  I don't know how to do that and it makes me break down into tears.  I don't want to hurt anyone!  I really am happy with my decision for the most part. 

Perhaps I only feel this way because the guy I chose lives in another state and I can't just hop in the car and see him whenever I want.  In a sense I suppose I lack the physical and emotional support I may need to fully recover and heal from my previous relationship.  Maybe things happened too fast and I'm not ready for this.  Carpe Diem.  I can't live my life wondering what the best decision is.  I can't allow myself to let two guys who love me fully wait around until I decide what's best for me.  How selfish is that!  I needed to make a decision and I did... I just miss a lot of things.  I need to be reassured that this is the right thing to do even though there is no way to receive that reassurance. 

When I find out about things my ex did and never told me, part of me is upset... because he kept something from me and on the other hand because I wasn't completely a part of his life.  I need to let go and I don't know how.  The guy I chose to be with is wonderful and supports me like no one I've ever known before.  I couldn't ask for anything more so why do I still feel that empty spot?  I have everything anyone could ever want/ask for... everything I could ever want!  Why is it never enough?  Why do I have a longing for more?  Will I ever be able to completely let go?  Why do I miss him soooo much?!!?

I was at the club last night though I didn't really want to be there.  I was mainly there for moral support for a friend who just went through a break up, had a lot to drink and really needed a friend that she could have fun with and could trust.  I never expected to run into so many people, odd situations or memories of my past in such a few short hours in a random place within a large city.

The first thing I noticed was there were a lot of marines in their dress blues with their dates in formal dresses so immediately I knew it was a military ball night.  My friend kept wanting to steal one of them from their dates so of course I was there to bring logic and reason into a situation that could have potentially ended us on a bad note for the night.  With that in mind, I ended up finding out that the particular "squad" or whatever they are called, was the same one that the guy I went to the military ball with two years was in.  He wasn't there, just somewhat ironic that in some way I was connected to these people without ever knowing it and quite possibly met each one many years ago.  Guess that adds more evidence in favor of the theory of local correlation.. that everyone is connected to each other in some sort of way.

So my night goes on with my friend and I ending up in the VIP room because she had enchanted some other poor male.  While in this "room" I was introduced to a girl that looked very familiar but I didn't think anything of it.  Later I saw a girl that I definitely recognized as a girl I had Spanish class with during our freshman year in high school.  Sadly, I only recognized her by her buck teeth.  I remember being friends with her and then drifting away as she started down the wrong path and trying to drag me with her.  It turns out the other girl was Homecoming Queen during her senior year, my sophomore year, at our high school... part of a "legendary couple" at my school.  When I mentioned this to her, she told me she ended up marrying the guy and getting divorced shortly after.  The girl from my Spanish class just got out of an engagement due to her fiance leaving her since she wouldn't quit her drug usage and partying.  I asked her why she didn't ask her fiance for help with quitting the drugs and her response was "I have no problem with my coke usage.  I only do coke once or twice a month and smoke weed every night.  I see nothing wrong with it and I don't feel I should have to change that to be with the man I love."  I just found it very ironic that here are two beautiful ladies with such potential and they are so willing to toss everything away for drugs.  She says she loves the guy, yet she cannot make even baby steps and compromises to have him in here life.  It may be just me but perhaps you should evaluate your life, what you want in it and whether or not that person is worth those efforts/sacrifices and apparently he isn't to her. 

To complete my night, my friend ended up dancing with a guy she ended up kinda liking and exchanging numbers with whom ironically was named Portland.  Just gave me an immediate reminder of my boyfriend who lives so far away and I miss terribly.  Even more so a reminder that soon I may be making the biggest leap of my life by moving to Portland and forever changing the lives of many, not just my own.  After that moment I lost an desire to be in that place that I had and ended having less and less fun.  That's how you realize you truly love someone, you would rather be with them doing nothing with them than be doing anything else in the world.

Last night, though it was only a few hours, provided me with many insights to change and possibilities as well reflection upon my own life.  The whole series of events only reassured me that the decisions I am making in my life are not only the best ones but worth every ounce of effort that are required to make them complete.  Life can be hard and provide tough choices but it takes an even stronger person to look past all that and see the endless possibilities that await.